Help Me Lord

I so try to be strong.  I try to keep a posative attitude.  I try to look ahead and towards the future.  I try to encourage others.  It seems like I am always trying to help others.  BUT where is the help when I need it.  I am so alone.  I don't have anybody to talk to.  I don't have anybody to help me.  I only have myself. 

As I sit here crying my eyes out, I wonder what the future holds for me.  Right now I see nothing but a large black hole opening up to swollow me.

I don't feel like I belong here.  I don't feel like I belong to anybody.  I have no family and maybe a distant friend.

What is left with my life.  What have I got to look forward to?

New Addition To Family

Mother, just wanted to share the new addition to the family with you.  This is your Great Granddaughter, Aryana Elizabeth.  She was born on September 13, 2011, weighed 8 lbs and was 20 1/2 inches.  Not as big as her daddy, but healthy.  I can't tell if she looks like her mom or dad yet.

You know Mom, that she is a Gift from God.  After what all Alicia and Josh have been thru.  I think Hailey will make a great Big Sister.

Feelings

Lets see if I can express the feelings I am having and explain each one.

• Hurt ~ I am hurt that you let your "Love" guard down and went to temptation
• Angry ~  I am angry not at you, but at the other party for tempting you
• Mad ~  I am mad because it does not seem like we can "fix" things
• Upset ~  I am upset because I still Love You and divorce SUX
• Scared ~ I am scared because I do not know what I am going to do being along
• Depressed ~ I am depressed because I really don't have anybody to talk to about my feelings
• Upset (2) ~  I am also upset because you said after mom passed away that you promised her that you would take care of me
• Upset (3) ~  I am also upset that on our anniversary that right after you dropped me off at work you made "a" phone call to "her" and that should have been our special day, but you were thinking of her.

Almost Over

Well, we signed the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.  All that we are waiting on now is the 30 day period, which will be up in about three weeks.  At that time the Judge will sign the final decree for divorce.

Who would have thought after being together for eight years and married for six years that we would end up in a divorce. 

Where do I go from here.  How am I going to like being single again.  What does my future hold.

Finally Happened

Got a phone call Friday morning from husband saying that he could not live like this anymore and that he was moving out.  I went back to work and called the attorney to get the paperwork in process to file for divorce.

Got notice from the attorney today that the beginning paperwork has been filed in court and now we have to wait the "30" days out from today.  Which means the divorce will be final by the end of September.

I hate this waiting. 

I am thinking about my future and what I want to do.  I am going to start by cleaning out my house and try to start making it look livable and clean rooms and throw a bunch of stuff out or donate.

This is going to be a new chapter in my life.  I can say that I have been Blessed these past 8 years with Scott and he has helped me thru things in my life.  He has been my rock and held me and let me cry on him.  I do wish him the best of luck with his "new" life.

The hurt of what has happened between us is gone.  I will always carry a "Love" for Scott for being there with me thru the hard times and teaching me new things.

My new motto in life is, "Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Eight Months

I did not really know that yesterday was eight months that mom left her earthly body and went to her perminate home above.  As I stood at her footmarker at the cemetary, I just stared at the ground wondering how I have made it thru eight months without hearing moms voice.

I finally got to speak with my Aunt who lives in Virginia today.  This is the first time that we have talked since mom passed away.  Aunt Claudia sounded so good, but is going thru some health issues.

I had to tell her again about the death of mother and what all I have been thru these months.  I know that if Aunt Claudia could be here she would.

I told her that if it was not for Scott standing beside me thru all of this, that I did not know how I would have made it.

YES, I have not posted in over a month, but Scott and I are working on our marriage and taking it one day at a time.  I think that it is mental harder on me then it is for him. 

He had four months with this "woman" and knew what he was doing.  Then when I found out, I blew up.  I Love My Husband more then words can say, but if he decides to choose her over me, then that is something I will have to live with.

Can't Cry Anymore, I Don't Think

I thought 8 years ago when I met the Love of My Life that we were meant to be life partners.  It hurts more then words can say when you find out that your partner has been cheating on you and you had no clue.  What do you say, what do you do?

I have been walking around in a daze since I found out yesterday.  I got angry, I did not yell or scream at him.  I just told him that I felt like a fool for not knowing about this.

If I had stock in kleenex, I could quit work and be rich.  I told him last nite that he needed to leave as soon as possible.  I still have three (3) days that I have to see him every day.  He will be staying here until this weekend and he gets paid.

He knows that I am filing for a divorce and I work with some great attorneys who will help me thru this process and help cut down on the cost.  I will be drawing up my own divorce papers for the attorney to review then my husband and I will sign them and then the attorney will file them in court.  Sounds Easy?  It may, but the emotional hurt goes way deep.

How will I survive, how will I go on day to day.  How will it feel to be alone?  How do I handle this.

I am still dealing with the death of mother and I still cannot bring myself to go thru her things to figure out what to keep and what to give away.

Times like this I want my mommy.  I need a shoulder to cry on instead of my very old trustworthy Garfield the Cat.  Eventhough he has seen many of my tears on him.

I would Love to just have her here to be with me and walk thru this process with me.