Can't Cry Anymore, I Don't Think

I thought 8 years ago when I met the Love of My Life that we were meant to be life partners.  It hurts more then words can say when you find out that your partner has been cheating on you and you had no clue.  What do you say, what do you do?

I have been walking around in a daze since I found out yesterday.  I got angry, I did not yell or scream at him.  I just told him that I felt like a fool for not knowing about this.

If I had stock in kleenex, I could quit work and be rich.  I told him last nite that he needed to leave as soon as possible.  I still have three (3) days that I have to see him every day.  He will be staying here until this weekend and he gets paid.

He knows that I am filing for a divorce and I work with some great attorneys who will help me thru this process and help cut down on the cost.  I will be drawing up my own divorce papers for the attorney to review then my husband and I will sign them and then the attorney will file them in court.  Sounds Easy?  It may, but the emotional hurt goes way deep.

How will I survive, how will I go on day to day.  How will it feel to be alone?  How do I handle this.

I am still dealing with the death of mother and I still cannot bring myself to go thru her things to figure out what to keep and what to give away.

Times like this I want my mommy.  I need a shoulder to cry on instead of my very old trustworthy Garfield the Cat.  Eventhough he has seen many of my tears on him.

I would Love to just have her here to be with me and walk thru this process with me.

The Stone

Decided to stop by the cemetary the day before Mother's Day.  I was by myself, which is something I have not done since mom passed away.  To my surprise, mother's foot marker was already in place.  This was not expected so soon.  We did not think that it would be placed until the end of the year.  I am so glad that there was nobody around to see me melt in a puddle of tears.  I took a picture of the marker and sent it to my husband via phone.  He called me right away to make sure I was ok.  Needless to say, I was crying so hard that I could not even talk. 

I am thankful that I had that alone time with mother.  I am glad that I was by myself.  I am glad that I got to sit there for as long as I needed to cry.  I know once you see the marker in place it makes things seem more final.

I still have not been able to bring myself to go thru her belongings.  Everything is still stacked up around the house in boxes and bags.

I still think of mother every day.  I still wonder if there was something I could have done to have kept her here with us longer.  I know that mother is in a better place now with no pain.  I know that she is happy and I know that she watches over me.

Regret?

If I had known that you would have been called home to heaven when you were, I think that I would have listened to you more.  I think that I would have spent more time with you.  I think that I would have asked more questions about our family and our family history.  I feel like there is more to our family that I don't know or don't remember.  I just hope in the future if any family questions are asked I have the answers.

You know that I Love You and if I could do it again, I would have spent more time with you.  I would have given us more mother/daughter time.  I would have gotten you out more, just you and I.

Not Expecting This So Soon

Went by the cemetery today to see how things looked and I started crying my eyes out when I saw this.  I did not expect this to be in place yet.  I guess just seeing this makes things feel so real and final.  I hope that you are satisfied with it.  I will be glad when they plant grass.  Kinda hard looking at the dirt all around you.

Hummingbirds

Mom, I know how you Love your hummingbirds and I truly believe that you sent the first hummer to me yesterday.  It was so fitting, with this being Mother's Day Weekend.  I keep looking for them and know that I will always think of you.  I remember that year that you had on your red gown and we had a feeder out in the front and how the hummer tried coming up to you.  You gave me my love of these beautiful birds.

I am going to try and get the vine growing this year.  I hope to have some by the end of the summer. I may save the seeds from last year and plant them next year. 

My Birthday

This is the first year that I did not get to hear your voice on the other end of the phone calling me to sing "Happy Birthday".  I have had my sad moments without you being here with me anymore.

I know that you are watching me from above and I am trying to stay strong and make you proud.  I am trying to tell others to spend more time with their parents and grandparents because you never know when they will not be there with you anymore.

Mom I Love You and I Miss You.  I wish that we had more time together, but I take comfort in knowing that you are watching me from above and will always be near me.

Understanding

Who would have thought that one simple check made payable to the "Estate of" would cause so much grief and stress.  Tried to take a check to the bank today to have put into a Cashiers Check to pay for the funeral and was told that I would need to open a checking account under the name of th Estate of.  I would also need to retain an attorney who would prepare a Letter of Testimate. 

Now if I had the money, I would have done all that a month ago.  You would think that when somebody passes and they have no will, no savings, no assets, just the cloths on their back and a few personal belongings that you would not have to go thru all this.  I beg to differ.

Now what am I to do?