Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Who would have thought that one simple check made payable to the "Estate of" would cause so much grief and stress.  Tried to take a check to the bank today to have put into a Cashiers Check to pay for the funeral and was told that I would need to open a checking account under the name of th Estate of.  I would also need to retain an attorney who would prepare a Letter of Testimate. 

Now if I had the money, I would have done all that a month ago.  You would think that when somebody passes and they have no will, no savings, no assets, just the cloths on their back and a few personal belongings that you would not have to go thru all this.  I beg to differ.

Now what am I to do?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

One Month

It has now been a month since I last spoke with you on the phone or came to visit you.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  I sometimes wonder if I could have done something different and if so, would you still be here with us today.

I know that in my heart that it was just your Time to go home. 

I need to accept that. 

Monday, January 17, 2011


Just found out that my nephew and his wife are expecting possible twins.  Won't know for sure until the end of the month.  I am sure mother that you already know about this and I know that you would be thrilled at the thought of being a great-grandmother again.

Walking Around Dazed

I still feel like I am walking around dazed and confused.  It still does not seem real that mother is not with me anymore.  I still have the urge to pick up the phone to call her.

Last nite while trying to go to sleep, I kept seeing images of her in my mind.  I could not close my eyes without seeing her.  I ended up crying myself to sleep. 

As I look around my house, there are so many things that are hers that I cannot seem to start going thru to see what I want to do with them.  I know it has only been four weeks, but still everything is still so fresh to me.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


Starting to feel the money crunch now without mother being here.  Trying to figure out how to budget the money we now have between the two of us.  Trying to figure out things that we can live without.

I am also going to start looking for a part time job after the hours of my full time job.  How I wish that we had two cars now.  Don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

I know that I should be and AM thankful for what I do have.  I do have cloths on my back, I do have food to eat, may not be within my diet, but there is food.  I do not have a mortgage.

God has blessed me and will keep Blessing me.  I just have to keep my eyes open and put all my Trust in Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

No Phone Calls Anymore

It is times like this that I wish that I could pick up the phone and call my mom.  There are things that I would like to say to her and to let her know what is going on with me now.

It has only been three weeks since she passed, and I guess that it is now starting to hit me again that I will never physically speak with her.

I would have loved to have talked to her during the last college football game.  How I wish that we could have shared the victory of the win.  I would like for her to know that her dog is doing well with me and I am treating her just like my other dogs.

We may have had our differences, but we always knew that we could call one another at any time day or nite to talk.

The phone may ring, but my mother will never be on the other end to answer.

Monday, January 3, 2011

All The Phone Calls

Who knew making all of the phone calls associated with the death of a family member could take so long.  I guess that you need to stop and examine their life.

Between the phone call with Social Security, the Bank the Insurance Company, the Phone Company, the Cable Company.   That is to name a few that I have contacted in two days.  This does not account for all the paperwork that I will end up with from all of the same companies.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to be as prepared as possible should a close family member pass and you are the one who has to handle the affairs.

This not even mention the fact that you have to have all their personal information at the time of death.  Medical history, social security number, next of kin.  It is also helpful to go ahead and know where if any insurance policies are located.  Do you know what they want to wear to be buried in.  Do you know if they want music.  Do you know who you want to list in the Obit?

Yes, these are some of the decisions that I  have had to make in the past two weeks.  Thank goodness that my mother had told me most of the information and I knew the rest by heart.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

No Voice No Sound

Who would have thought that after being my mother's daughter for 44 years that I cannot hear her voice now.  Last week after the funeral and I finally had some alone time, I got to thinking....Why can't I hear my mothers voice.  Why can't I remember what her voice sounded like.

I really think that I have a memory block of what mom's voice sounded like.  This does bother me and I wonder why can't I hear her voice.

I need to look around to see if I can find a video or anything that has her voice on it. 

Time will tell if I hear her voice again.

The Store

Who knew that a simple run to the store would reduce me to tears?

While walking thru the store, I was thinking of all that I needed to buy.  This being the first time that I have been to this store since my mothers death, I knew that it would bring back memories of doing her grocery shopping.

I held it together well until I started walking down the frozen food isle.  As I passed a certain food, that I knew my mother was eating, I just stood in the middle of the isle and melted into a puddle of tears.

My husband walked up to me and asked what was wrong.  I told him that I had just walked past the last food that my mother ate before she died.

I cried all the way to the check-out line and I know that people were looking at me.

If they only knew what my feelings were at that time.....if they only knew why I was crying...

If Only.....such a short sentance, without all or no answer

Reflection on 2010

As I start to reflect on all that happened in my life thru 2010, I want to take a minute to look back.  There were major changes in my life.  There was heartache, laughter, good times and friends.

I can honestly say that I have one dear friend who I can talk to about anything and she won't judge me.  She will listen to me, no matter what the subject is.  We share common interest within our families. 

I have one friend, who goes back to my highschool days that I know I can call upon anytime of the day or nite if needed.

Friends are what helped me thru tough times during the year.  I will always charish my friends as they are few and precious.