Merry Christmas Mommy

Mommy, I know that this is really your second year in Heaven, but it still feels like a first for me.  I wanted to take time to let you know that I Love You and will always Miss You.  I am sending you Love and wanted to wish you a Very Merry Christmas.

"My First Christmas In Heaven"

 I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas song...s that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas
choir up here. I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices
bring. For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ
this year.
Author Unknown

Happy Birthday Mommy

Who would have thought that one year ago when I was wishing you a Happy Birthday that you were getting ready to go Home to Heaven.  Mom you know that this has been a very diffacult year for me and Todd.  We have been thru so much.  I wish that you were here for me to talk to on the phone and to listen to your words of advise.  I know that God had other plans for you and called you home.  I just wanted to let you know that I Love You and I Miss You and wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.

Happy Thanksgiving

Mom, this is my first Thanksgiving without you here with me.  My heart hurts knowing that you are not here with me, but I know that you are having the Greatest Thanksgiving in Heaven. 

I Love You

What Is Thanksgiving ?

WHAT IS THANKSGIVING?  WHAT DO WE ALL HAVE TO BE THANKFUL FOR?  CHARISH THE FAMILY THAT YOU HAVE LEFT.  PRAISE GOD FOR THE FOOD ON THE TABLE, THE ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD, THE PHONE CALLS TO AND FROM FRIENDS. 

IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE ALONE THIS THANKSGIVING, DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOURSELF OR FOR YOUR FURBABIES.  I PLAN TO PAMPER MY FOUR FURBABIES ON THANKSGIVING TO SHOW THEM MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT THAT THEY GIVE MY ALL YEAR LONG.  THEY DO NOT ASK FOR ANYTHING ELSE. I PLAN TO SPEND SPECIAL TIME WITH EACH ONE DURING THE DAY AND WE WILL SIT AND WATCH THE PARADE AND THEY EACH WILL GET A GOOD BATH WITH LOTS OF LOVE IN THAT BATH.

THANKSGIVING IS NOT ALL ABOUT COOKING 12 HOURS THAT DAY OR TRYING TO FIND A PLACE THAT IS OPEN TO SERVE LUNCH.  THANKSGIVING IS TO STOP AND REFLECT ON WHAT "YOU" HAVE TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

Why Do I Still Care ?

You would think that after what all I have been thru since July that I would not still have feelings for my soon to be ex. 

Why do I still care?  Why do I still feel like I have feelings towards him?  Why do I still worry about him?  Am I still in Love with him?

 That is a question that I have no answer for. I do know that I still care for him and worry about him.  I guess that after talking to him this afternoon and hearing how tired he sounds that got me to thinking about him.  Is he taking care of himself?  Is he doing to much for others and not for himself?

I hope that he knows that I am here for him, if he needs somebody to talk to.  We have decided to part ways as friends.  We have decided that we can still call each other if we need something.

I am glad to know that if I need something that he is just a phone call away, and I feel that he would help me with any problem that I may have.

Help Me Lord

I so try to be strong.  I try to keep a posative attitude.  I try to look ahead and towards the future.  I try to encourage others.  It seems like I am always trying to help others.  BUT where is the help when I need it.  I am so alone.  I don't have anybody to talk to.  I don't have anybody to help me.  I only have myself. 

As I sit here crying my eyes out, I wonder what the future holds for me.  Right now I see nothing but a large black hole opening up to swollow me.

I don't feel like I belong here.  I don't feel like I belong to anybody.  I have no family and maybe a distant friend.

What is left with my life.  What have I got to look forward to?

New Addition To Family

Mother, just wanted to share the new addition to the family with you.  This is your Great Granddaughter, Aryana Elizabeth.  She was born on September 13, 2011, weighed 8 lbs and was 20 1/2 inches.  Not as big as her daddy, but healthy.  I can't tell if she looks like her mom or dad yet.

You know Mom, that she is a Gift from God.  After what all Alicia and Josh have been thru.  I think Hailey will make a great Big Sister.

Feelings

Lets see if I can express the feelings I am having and explain each one.

• Hurt ~ I am hurt that you let your "Love" guard down and went to temptation
• Angry ~  I am angry not at you, but at the other party for tempting you
• Mad ~  I am mad because it does not seem like we can "fix" things
• Upset ~  I am upset because I still Love You and divorce SUX
• Scared ~ I am scared because I do not know what I am going to do being along
• Depressed ~ I am depressed because I really don't have anybody to talk to about my feelings
• Upset (2) ~  I am also upset because you said after mom passed away that you promised her that you would take care of me
• Upset (3) ~  I am also upset that on our anniversary that right after you dropped me off at work you made "a" phone call to "her" and that should have been our special day, but you were thinking of her.

Almost Over

Well, we signed the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.  All that we are waiting on now is the 30 day period, which will be up in about three weeks.  At that time the Judge will sign the final decree for divorce.

Who would have thought after being together for eight years and married for six years that we would end up in a divorce. 

Where do I go from here.  How am I going to like being single again.  What does my future hold.

Finally Happened

Got a phone call Friday morning from husband saying that he could not live like this anymore and that he was moving out.  I went back to work and called the attorney to get the paperwork in process to file for divorce.

Got notice from the attorney today that the beginning paperwork has been filed in court and now we have to wait the "30" days out from today.  Which means the divorce will be final by the end of September.

I hate this waiting. 

I am thinking about my future and what I want to do.  I am going to start by cleaning out my house and try to start making it look livable and clean rooms and throw a bunch of stuff out or donate.

This is going to be a new chapter in my life.  I can say that I have been Blessed these past 8 years with Scott and he has helped me thru things in my life.  He has been my rock and held me and let me cry on him.  I do wish him the best of luck with his "new" life.

The hurt of what has happened between us is gone.  I will always carry a "Love" for Scott for being there with me thru the hard times and teaching me new things.

My new motto in life is, "Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Eight Months

I did not really know that yesterday was eight months that mom left her earthly body and went to her perminate home above.  As I stood at her footmarker at the cemetary, I just stared at the ground wondering how I have made it thru eight months without hearing moms voice.

I finally got to speak with my Aunt who lives in Virginia today.  This is the first time that we have talked since mom passed away.  Aunt Claudia sounded so good, but is going thru some health issues.

I had to tell her again about the death of mother and what all I have been thru these months.  I know that if Aunt Claudia could be here she would.

I told her that if it was not for Scott standing beside me thru all of this, that I did not know how I would have made it.

YES, I have not posted in over a month, but Scott and I are working on our marriage and taking it one day at a time.  I think that it is mental harder on me then it is for him. 

He had four months with this "woman" and knew what he was doing.  Then when I found out, I blew up.  I Love My Husband more then words can say, but if he decides to choose her over me, then that is something I will have to live with.

Can't Cry Anymore, I Don't Think

I thought 8 years ago when I met the Love of My Life that we were meant to be life partners.  It hurts more then words can say when you find out that your partner has been cheating on you and you had no clue.  What do you say, what do you do?

I have been walking around in a daze since I found out yesterday.  I got angry, I did not yell or scream at him.  I just told him that I felt like a fool for not knowing about this.

If I had stock in kleenex, I could quit work and be rich.  I told him last nite that he needed to leave as soon as possible.  I still have three (3) days that I have to see him every day.  He will be staying here until this weekend and he gets paid.

He knows that I am filing for a divorce and I work with some great attorneys who will help me thru this process and help cut down on the cost.  I will be drawing up my own divorce papers for the attorney to review then my husband and I will sign them and then the attorney will file them in court.  Sounds Easy?  It may, but the emotional hurt goes way deep.

How will I survive, how will I go on day to day.  How will it feel to be alone?  How do I handle this.

I am still dealing with the death of mother and I still cannot bring myself to go thru her things to figure out what to keep and what to give away.

Times like this I want my mommy.  I need a shoulder to cry on instead of my very old trustworthy Garfield the Cat.  Eventhough he has seen many of my tears on him.

I would Love to just have her here to be with me and walk thru this process with me.

The Stone

Decided to stop by the cemetary the day before Mother's Day.  I was by myself, which is something I have not done since mom passed away.  To my surprise, mother's foot marker was already in place.  This was not expected so soon.  We did not think that it would be placed until the end of the year.  I am so glad that there was nobody around to see me melt in a puddle of tears.  I took a picture of the marker and sent it to my husband via phone.  He called me right away to make sure I was ok.  Needless to say, I was crying so hard that I could not even talk. 

I am thankful that I had that alone time with mother.  I am glad that I was by myself.  I am glad that I got to sit there for as long as I needed to cry.  I know once you see the marker in place it makes things seem more final.

I still have not been able to bring myself to go thru her belongings.  Everything is still stacked up around the house in boxes and bags.

I still think of mother every day.  I still wonder if there was something I could have done to have kept her here with us longer.  I know that mother is in a better place now with no pain.  I know that she is happy and I know that she watches over me.

Regret?

If I had known that you would have been called home to heaven when you were, I think that I would have listened to you more.  I think that I would have spent more time with you.  I think that I would have asked more questions about our family and our family history.  I feel like there is more to our family that I don't know or don't remember.  I just hope in the future if any family questions are asked I have the answers.

You know that I Love You and if I could do it again, I would have spent more time with you.  I would have given us more mother/daughter time.  I would have gotten you out more, just you and I.

Not Expecting This So Soon

Went by the cemetery today to see how things looked and I started crying my eyes out when I saw this.  I did not expect this to be in place yet.  I guess just seeing this makes things feel so real and final.  I hope that you are satisfied with it.  I will be glad when they plant grass.  Kinda hard looking at the dirt all around you.

Hummingbirds

Mom, I know how you Love your hummingbirds and I truly believe that you sent the first hummer to me yesterday.  It was so fitting, with this being Mother's Day Weekend.  I keep looking for them and know that I will always think of you.  I remember that year that you had on your red gown and we had a feeder out in the front and how the hummer tried coming up to you.  You gave me my love of these beautiful birds.

I am going to try and get the vine growing this year.  I hope to have some by the end of the summer. I may save the seeds from last year and plant them next year. 

My Birthday

This is the first year that I did not get to hear your voice on the other end of the phone calling me to sing "Happy Birthday".  I have had my sad moments without you being here with me anymore.

I know that you are watching me from above and I am trying to stay strong and make you proud.  I am trying to tell others to spend more time with their parents and grandparents because you never know when they will not be there with you anymore.

Mom I Love You and I Miss You.  I wish that we had more time together, but I take comfort in knowing that you are watching me from above and will always be near me.

Understanding

Who would have thought that one simple check made payable to the "Estate of" would cause so much grief and stress.  Tried to take a check to the bank today to have put into a Cashiers Check to pay for the funeral and was told that I would need to open a checking account under the name of th Estate of.  I would also need to retain an attorney who would prepare a Letter of Testimate. 

Now if I had the money, I would have done all that a month ago.  You would think that when somebody passes and they have no will, no savings, no assets, just the cloths on their back and a few personal belongings that you would not have to go thru all this.  I beg to differ.

Now what am I to do?

One Month

It has now been a month since I last spoke with you on the phone or came to visit you.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  I sometimes wonder if I could have done something different and if so, would you still be here with us today.

I know that in my heart that it was just your Time to go home. 

I need to accept that. 

News

Just found out that my nephew and his wife are expecting possible twins.  Won't know for sure until the end of the month.  I am sure mother that you already know about this and I know that you would be thrilled at the thought of being a great-grandmother again.

Walking Around Dazed

I still feel like I am walking around dazed and confused.  It still does not seem real that mother is not with me anymore.  I still have the urge to pick up the phone to call her.

Last nite while trying to go to sleep, I kept seeing images of her in my mind.  I could not close my eyes without seeing her.  I ended up crying myself to sleep. 

As I look around my house, there are so many things that are hers that I cannot seem to start going thru to see what I want to do with them.  I know it has only been four weeks, but still everything is still so fresh to me.

Worries

Starting to feel the money crunch now without mother being here.  Trying to figure out how to budget the money we now have between the two of us.  Trying to figure out things that we can live without.

I am also going to start looking for a part time job after the hours of my full time job.  How I wish that we had two cars now.  Don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

I know that I should be and AM thankful for what I do have.  I do have cloths on my back, I do have food to eat, may not be within my diet, but there is food.  I do not have a mortgage.

God has blessed me and will keep Blessing me.  I just have to keep my eyes open and put all my Trust in Our Lord Jesus Christ.

No Phone Calls Anymore

It is times like this that I wish that I could pick up the phone and call my mom.  There are things that I would like to say to her and to let her know what is going on with me now.

It has only been three weeks since she passed, and I guess that it is now starting to hit me again that I will never physically speak with her.

I would have loved to have talked to her during the last college football game.  How I wish that we could have shared the victory of the win.  I would like for her to know that her dog is doing well with me and I am treating her just like my other dogs.

We may have had our differences, but we always knew that we could call one another at any time day or nite to talk.

The phone may ring, but my mother will never be on the other end to answer.

All The Phone Calls

Who knew making all of the phone calls associated with the death of a family member could take so long.  I guess that you need to stop and examine their life.

Between the phone call with Social Security, the Bank the Insurance Company, the Phone Company, the Cable Company.   That is to name a few that I have contacted in two days.  This does not account for all the paperwork that I will end up with from all of the same companies.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to be as prepared as possible should a close family member pass and you are the one who has to handle the affairs.

This not even mention the fact that you have to have all their personal information at the time of death.  Medical history, social security number, next of kin.  It is also helpful to go ahead and know where if any insurance policies are located.  Do you know what they want to wear to be buried in.  Do you know if they want music.  Do you know who you want to list in the Obit?

Yes, these are some of the decisions that I  have had to make in the past two weeks.  Thank goodness that my mother had told me most of the information and I knew the rest by heart.

No Voice No Sound

Who would have thought that after being my mother's daughter for 44 years that I cannot hear her voice now.  Last week after the funeral and I finally had some alone time, I got to thinking....Why can't I hear my mothers voice.  Why can't I remember what her voice sounded like.

I really think that I have a memory block of what mom's voice sounded like.  This does bother me and I wonder why can't I hear her voice.

I need to look around to see if I can find a video or anything that has her voice on it. 

Time will tell if I hear her voice again.

The Store

Who knew that a simple run to the store would reduce me to tears?

While walking thru the store, I was thinking of all that I needed to buy.  This being the first time that I have been to this store since my mothers death, I knew that it would bring back memories of doing her grocery shopping.

I held it together well until I started walking down the frozen food isle.  As I passed a certain food, that I knew my mother was eating, I just stood in the middle of the isle and melted into a puddle of tears.

My husband walked up to me and asked what was wrong.  I told him that I had just walked past the last food that my mother ate before she died.

I cried all the way to the check-out line and I know that people were looking at me.

If they only knew what my feelings were at that time.....if they only knew why I was crying...

If Only.....such a short sentance, without all or no answer

Reflection on 2010

As I start to reflect on all that happened in my life thru 2010, I want to take a minute to look back.  There were major changes in my life.  There was heartache, laughter, good times and friends.

I can honestly say that I have one dear friend who I can talk to about anything and she won't judge me.  She will listen to me, no matter what the subject is.  We share common interest within our families. 

I have one friend, who goes back to my highschool days that I know I can call upon anytime of the day or nite if needed.

Friends are what helped me thru tough times during the year.  I will always charish my friends as they are few and precious.